How to Find & Be a Great Romantic Partner
Huberman Lab
Dr. Lori Gottlieb
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10 min
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4:00
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My guest is Lori Gottlieb, MFT, a psychotherapist and bestselling author who specializes in helping people build strong relationships by first understanding themselves and the stories they've internalized about themselves and others. We explore how our parents, wounds and unique strengths—both consciously and unconsciously—influence our partner choices and how we show up in relationships, as well as how to avoid and break free from destructive patterns. We also discuss the impact of texting, social media and dating apps on partnership. Lori shares which signals to follow to become the best romantic partner possible and how to make choices that lead to greater vitality, happiness and fulfillment in all areas of life.
Read the episode show notes at hubermanlab.com.
Thank you to our sponsors
- Patient & First Question; Talked Out of Feelings
- Self-Regulation vs Co-Regulation, Tool: Pause & Perspective
- Relationships, Childhood & Unfinished Business
- Unconscious Mind, Hurtful Parent & Familiarity, Role of Therapy
- Excitement & Chaos, Cherophobia; Storytelling, First Date & Sparks?
- Tool: Awareness of Death & Living Fully; Vitality; Fear vs Acceptance
- Activate vs Energize; Tool: Technology, Numbness & Overwhelm
- Numb or Calm?, Gender Stereotypes, Tool: Mentalizing
- Feelings, Projective Identification, Tool: Owning Your Feelings
- React vs Respond; Space, Tool: Face-to-Face Conversation vs Text
- Behavioral Change, 5 Steps of Change, Tool: Self-Compassion & Accountability
- Deadlines & Rules; Idiot vs Wise Compassion, No Drama & Assumptions
- Silent Treatment, Crying & Manipulation, Shame vs Guilt, Self-Preservation
- Self-Reflection, Individual & Couples Therapy, Transference; Agency
- Texting, Conflicts, Breakups, Pain Hierarchy, Tool: Move Forward
- Relationship Breakups, Daily World & Loss
- Bank of Goodwill; Talking About Partner, Focus, Comparison
- Infidelity, What If vs What Is, Attention & Appreciation
- Gut Instinct, Change Behavior, Danger, Productive vs Unproductive Anxiety
- Knowing Oneself, Relationships, Flexibility, Shared History
- Romantic Relationships & Teens, Social Media, Privacy
- Online Apps & Choices, Maximizers vs Satisficers, Tool: Identify Your Weakness
- Fixing Issues Early, Tool: Self vs Partner Lists & Character Qualities
- Feeling Toward Partner, Calm, Content; Tool: Operating Instructions
- Help-Rejecting Complainers; Relationships, Love & Core Wounds
- Stories & Unreliable Narrators, Editing, Tool: 5 Senses
- Young Men, Masculinity, Confusion
- Grief, Making Sense of Loss
- Maybe You Should Talk to Someone Workbook; Ask The Therapist, Choosing a Bigger Life
- Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow & Reviews, YouTube Feedback, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Raw Description
<p>My guest is <a href="https://lorigottlieb.com/">Lori Gottlieb, MFT</a>, a psychotherapist and bestselling author who specializes in helping people build strong relationships by first understanding themselves and the stories they’ve internalized about themselves and others. We explore how our parents, wounds and unique strengths—both consciously and unconsciously—influence our partner choices and how we show up in relationships, as well as how to avoid and break free from destructive patterns. We also discuss the impact of texting, social media and dating apps on partnership. Lori shares which signals to follow to become the best romantic partner possible and how to make choices that lead to greater vitality, happiness and fulfillment in all areas of life.</p> <p>Read the episode show notes at <a href="https://www.hubermanlab.com/episode/how-to-find-be-a-great-romantic-partner-lori-gottlieb">hubermanlab.com</a>.</p> <p><strong>Thank you to our sponsors</strong></p> <p>AG1: <a href="https://drinkag1.com/huberman">https://drinkag1.com/huberman</a></p> <p>Helix Sleep: <a href="https://helixsleep.com/huberman">https://helixsleep.com/huberman</a></p> <p>BetterHelp: <a href="https://betterhelp.com/huberman">https://betterhelp.com/huberman</a></p> <p>David Protein: <a href="https://davidprotein.com/huberman">https://davidprotein.com/huberman</a></p> <p>LMNT: <a href="https://drinklmnt.com/huberman">https://drinklmnt.com/huberman</a></p> <p><strong>Timestamps</strong></p> <p>00:00:00 Dr. Lori Gottlieb</p> <p>00:02:01 Patient & First Question; Talked Out of Feelings</p> <p>00:06:15 Self-Regulation vs Co-Regulation, Tool: Pause & Perspective</p> <p>00:10:04 Sponsors: Helix Sleep & BetterHelp</p> <p>00:12:36 Relationships, Childhood & Unfinished Business</p> <p>00:17:13 Unconscious Mind, Hurtful Parent & Familiarity, Role of Therapy</p> <p>00:26:35 Excitement & Chaos, Cherophobia; Storytelling, First Date & Sparks?</p> <p>00:36:27 Tool: Awareness of Death & Living Fully; Vitality; Fear vs Acceptance</p> <p>00:47:27 Sponsors: AG1 & David Protein</p> <p>00:50:35 Activate vs Energize; Tool: Technology, Numbness & Overwhelm</p> <p>00:54:50 Numb or Calm?, Gender Stereotypes, Tool: Mentalizing</p> <p>01:00:51 Feelings, Projective Identification, Tool: Owning Your Feelings</p> <p>01:03:25 React vs Respond; Space, Tool: Face-to-Face Conversation vs Text</p> <p>01:10:16 Behavioral Change, 5 Steps of Change, Tool: Self-Compassion & Accountability</p> <p>01:15:38 Sponsor: LMNT</p> <p>01:16:54 Deadlines & Rules; Idiot vs Wise Compassion, No Drama & Assumptions</p> <p>01:26:27 Silent Treatment, Crying & Manipulation, Shame vs Guilt, Self-Preservation</p> <p>01:33:01 Self-Reflection, Individual & Couples Therapy, Transference; Agency</p> <p>01:38:56 Texting, Conflicts, Breakups, Pain Hierarchy, Tool: Move Forward</p> <p>01:46:42 Relationship Breakups, Daily World & Loss</p> <p>01:53:30 Bank of Goodwill; Talking About Partner, Focus, Comparison</p> <p>02:01:13 Infidelity, What If vs What Is, Attention & Appreciation</p> <p>02:04:56 Gut Instinct, Change Behavior, Danger, Productive vs Unproductive Anxiety</p> <p>02:15:27 Knowing Oneself, Relationships, Flexibility, Shared History</p> <p>02:20:30 Romantic Relationships & Teens, Social Media, Privacy</p> <p>02:27:09 Online Apps & Choices, Maximizers vs Satisficers, Tool: Identify Your Weakness</p> <p>02:33:09 Fixing Issues Early, Tool: Self vs Partner Lists & Character Qualities</p> <p>02:41:51 Feeling Toward Partner, Calm, Content; Tool: Operating Instructions</p> <p>02:46:48 Help-Rejecting Complainers; Relationships, Love & Core Wounds</p> <p>02:51:22 Stories & Unreliable Narrators, Editing, Tool: 5 Senses</p> <p>02:59:04 Young Men, Masculinity, Confusion</p> <p>03:07:03 Grief, Making Sense of Loss</p> <p>03:09:54 Maybe You Should Talk to Someone Workbook; Ask The Therapist, Choosing a Bigger Life</p> <p>03:20:26 Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow & Reviews, YouTube Feedback, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter</p> <p><a href="https://www.hubermanlab.com/disclaimer">Disclaimer & Disclosures</a></p><p> </p><p>Learn more about your ad choices. Visit <a href="https://megaphone.fm/adchoices">megaphone.fm/adchoices</a></p>
Chapters (1/34)
Show Notes
My guest is Lori Gottlieb, MFT, a psychotherapist and bestselling author who specializes in helping people build strong relationships by first understanding themselves and the stories they've internalized about themselves and others. We explore how our parents, wounds and unique strengths—both consciously and unconsciously—influence our partner choices and how we show up in relationships, as well as how to avoid and break free from destructive patterns. We also discuss the impact of texting, social media and dating apps on partnership. Lori shares which signals to follow to become the best romantic partner possible and how to make choices that lead to greater vitality, happiness and fulfillment in all areas of life.
Read the episode show notes at hubermanlab.com.
Thank you to our sponsors
- Patient & First Question; Talked Out of Feelings
- Self-Regulation vs Co-Regulation, Tool: Pause & Perspective
- Relationships, Childhood & Unfinished Business
- Unconscious Mind, Hurtful Parent & Familiarity, Role of Therapy
- Excitement & Chaos, Cherophobia; Storytelling, First Date & Sparks?
- Tool: Awareness of Death & Living Fully; Vitality; Fear vs Acceptance
- Activate vs Energize; Tool: Technology, Numbness & Overwhelm
- Numb or Calm?, Gender Stereotypes, Tool: Mentalizing
- Feelings, Projective Identification, Tool: Owning Your Feelings
- React vs Respond; Space, Tool: Face-to-Face Conversation vs Text
- Behavioral Change, 5 Steps of Change, Tool: Self-Compassion & Accountability
- Deadlines & Rules; Idiot vs Wise Compassion, No Drama & Assumptions
- Silent Treatment, Crying & Manipulation, Shame vs Guilt, Self-Preservation
- Self-Reflection, Individual & Couples Therapy, Transference; Agency
- Texting, Conflicts, Breakups, Pain Hierarchy, Tool: Move Forward
- Relationship Breakups, Daily World & Loss
- Bank of Goodwill; Talking About Partner, Focus, Comparison
- Infidelity, What If vs What Is, Attention & Appreciation
- Gut Instinct, Change Behavior, Danger, Productive vs Unproductive Anxiety
- Knowing Oneself, Relationships, Flexibility, Shared History
- Romantic Relationships & Teens, Social Media, Privacy
- Online Apps & Choices, Maximizers vs Satisficers, Tool: Identify Your Weakness
- Fixing Issues Early, Tool: Self vs Partner Lists & Character Qualities
- Feeling Toward Partner, Calm, Content; Tool: Operating Instructions
- Help-Rejecting Complainers; Relationships, Love & Core Wounds
- Stories & Unreliable Narrators, Editing, Tool: 5 Senses
- Young Men, Masculinity, Confusion
- Grief, Making Sense of Loss
- Maybe You Should Talk to Someone Workbook; Ask The Therapist, Choosing a Bigger Life
- Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow & Reviews, YouTube Feedback, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Raw Description
<p>My guest is <a href="https://lorigottlieb.com/">Lori Gottlieb, MFT</a>, a psychotherapist and bestselling author who specializes in helping people build strong relationships by first understanding themselves and the stories they’ve internalized about themselves and others. We explore how our parents, wounds and unique strengths—both consciously and unconsciously—influence our partner choices and how we show up in relationships, as well as how to avoid and break free from destructive patterns. We also discuss the impact of texting, social media and dating apps on partnership. Lori shares which signals to follow to become the best romantic partner possible and how to make choices that lead to greater vitality, happiness and fulfillment in all areas of life.</p> <p>Read the episode show notes at <a href="https://www.hubermanlab.com/episode/how-to-find-be-a-great-romantic-partner-lori-gottlieb">hubermanlab.com</a>.</p> <p><strong>Thank you to our sponsors</strong></p> <p>AG1: <a href="https://drinkag1.com/huberman">https://drinkag1.com/huberman</a></p> <p>Helix Sleep: <a href="https://helixsleep.com/huberman">https://helixsleep.com/huberman</a></p> <p>BetterHelp: <a href="https://betterhelp.com/huberman">https://betterhelp.com/huberman</a></p> <p>David Protein: <a href="https://davidprotein.com/huberman">https://davidprotein.com/huberman</a></p> <p>LMNT: <a href="https://drinklmnt.com/huberman">https://drinklmnt.com/huberman</a></p> <p><strong>Timestamps</strong></p> <p>00:00:00 Dr. Lori Gottlieb</p> <p>00:02:01 Patient & First Question; Talked Out of Feelings</p> <p>00:06:15 Self-Regulation vs Co-Regulation, Tool: Pause & Perspective</p> <p>00:10:04 Sponsors: Helix Sleep & BetterHelp</p> <p>00:12:36 Relationships, Childhood & Unfinished Business</p> <p>00:17:13 Unconscious Mind, Hurtful Parent & Familiarity, Role of Therapy</p> <p>00:26:35 Excitement & Chaos, Cherophobia; Storytelling, First Date & Sparks?</p> <p>00:36:27 Tool: Awareness of Death & Living Fully; Vitality; Fear vs Acceptance</p> <p>00:47:27 Sponsors: AG1 & David Protein</p> <p>00:50:35 Activate vs Energize; Tool: Technology, Numbness & Overwhelm</p> <p>00:54:50 Numb or Calm?, Gender Stereotypes, Tool: Mentalizing</p> <p>01:00:51 Feelings, Projective Identification, Tool: Owning Your Feelings</p> <p>01:03:25 React vs Respond; Space, Tool: Face-to-Face Conversation vs Text</p> <p>01:10:16 Behavioral Change, 5 Steps of Change, Tool: Self-Compassion & Accountability</p> <p>01:15:38 Sponsor: LMNT</p> <p>01:16:54 Deadlines & Rules; Idiot vs Wise Compassion, No Drama & Assumptions</p> <p>01:26:27 Silent Treatment, Crying & Manipulation, Shame vs Guilt, Self-Preservation</p> <p>01:33:01 Self-Reflection, Individual & Couples Therapy, Transference; Agency</p> <p>01:38:56 Texting, Conflicts, Breakups, Pain Hierarchy, Tool: Move Forward</p> <p>01:46:42 Relationship Breakups, Daily World & Loss</p> <p>01:53:30 Bank of Goodwill; Talking About Partner, Focus, Comparison</p> <p>02:01:13 Infidelity, What If vs What Is, Attention & Appreciation</p> <p>02:04:56 Gut Instinct, Change Behavior, Danger, Productive vs Unproductive Anxiety</p> <p>02:15:27 Knowing Oneself, Relationships, Flexibility, Shared History</p> <p>02:20:30 Romantic Relationships & Teens, Social Media, Privacy</p> <p>02:27:09 Online Apps & Choices, Maximizers vs Satisficers, Tool: Identify Your Weakness</p> <p>02:33:09 Fixing Issues Early, Tool: Self vs Partner Lists & Character Qualities</p> <p>02:41:51 Feeling Toward Partner, Calm, Content; Tool: Operating Instructions</p> <p>02:46:48 Help-Rejecting Complainers; Relationships, Love & Core Wounds</p> <p>02:51:22 Stories & Unreliable Narrators, Editing, Tool: 5 Senses</p> <p>02:59:04 Young Men, Masculinity, Confusion</p> <p>03:07:03 Grief, Making Sense of Loss</p> <p>03:09:54 Maybe You Should Talk to Someone Workbook; Ask The Therapist, Choosing a Bigger Life</p> <p>03:20:26 Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow & Reviews, YouTube Feedback, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter</p> <p><a href="https://www.hubermanlab.com/disclaimer">Disclaimer & Disclosures</a></p><p> </p><p>Learn more about your ad choices. Visit <a href="https://megaphone.fm/adchoices">megaphone.fm/adchoices</a></p>
